|
 Dear Zoe:
I think God made a mistake when he invented men.
I think that men should have been modeled after dogs:Because dogs are loyal , playful, protective,forgiving and offer
unconditional love...If I could find a guy like that, that would be heaven. But I've been looking for that cuddly smiling
easy going Golden Retriever kind of guy, but I'm afriad all the good retrievers are taken. My last relationship was with
more of a good looking Great Dane type. Handsome,but not so intellectually stimulating. Mostly I just keep meeting Pitbulls,
Rotweillers, and "nippy" Scottish Terriers...Men are pigs. Any advice?
Signed, Lady
Dear Lady,
Don't be too discouraged.Even if men often have as many of a
dog's unpleasant traits as the noble ones,-you can imagine-Hopefully you will ,at the very least , find a man who has
a short memory like a dog ,doesn't make a mess too often, and is always sorry. Maybe a "Basset Hound" guy is
always a good idea. Not the independent type, the Basset hound guy is loyal, soulful, they will cry with you and they
can't get around too fast, so chances are less that they will leave you.
However, if your next relationship is not completely house-broken, or if they are "hand-shy",
they have been mistreated and mis-handled-so be patient. Be gentle, but also firm so that mutual trust can develop...And
when they are good, always remember to give them something good to chew on as a reward.
 Dear Zoe,
Happy New Year...You know,
looking back on 2007, and on the mantle,--You know your life could be better when your first five holiday cards are from Doctors...Zoe,
my fiance didn't show up for our engagement party. Instead, he went away on our vacation package with his Mother. Does
this mean it's over?
Signed,
Miserable.
Dear Miserable,
Yes. Not to be blunt, but it sounds like you had a Momma's boy on your hands. But of course ,you know that
while "Momma's Boys" are a great catch as a husband under one condition...as long as Mom is-you'll excuse
the expression-is already dead. Because
then he will need a new Mother, and you can successfully take over the position...Just be careful yours is not continually
comparing you to his mother, because this extreme type of bond has it's own ozone layer and sound barrier you can never
break through.
Dear Zoe,
This is sure some great way to
start the New Year. Two days after before christmas, my girlfriend broke up with me right in the market. Actually, it
started in the cookie aisle and then ended badly in the diaper section...We've been together for two years and I thought
we were so happy. I said to my girlfriend-- "I thought we were so happy- You say you love me. You said I brought out
the mother in you. -"I did say that " she responded, "And you DO bring out the Mother in me...Unfortunately,
it's MY Mother."- What did I do wrong???
Signed, Handsome
Dear
Handsome,
Nothing. Listen,
Handsome, I put the two letters together becuase both are break-ups because of Mother issues. Maybe your girlfriend should
meet the Momma's boy -and
you and "Miserable" should get together. Or maybe I could help the four of you
get together and form a "Meetup" or somethingpand see who connects. Just a thought,
Let me know if you're
interested
 Zoe's Latest:
PASSWORD
JEOPARDY Are usernames and passwords taking over your life?
By Zoe Miracle
What?
Dear Zoe:
Do you have any thoughts about this absurd,
"password and username mania" lifestyle we are being forced to live? Does anyone need to learn one more frigging
password? You can't even get your voice mail without mini-maximum security protocol.
My uncle, who is 80 years
old, had a business Web site that was about to expire. He was confused and needed help, so I swooped in, as would any hero,
coming to the rescue, credit card in hand. However, because neither my uncle nor I knew the password or the answer to the
"secret question" they said I couldn't pay the bill. Alas, without a password one is treated like a potential
criminal - and without the answer to the secret question, we are nothing. I was only trying to pay what was due - to give
them money, I explained. Why would I sneak up on myself to pay my or anyone else's bill and why would that be objectionable?
The Web site was shut down.
Who started this secret code insanity? Are we living in a spy movie or what? I think
the early astronauts had less crap to remember than we do.
-- Harvey007
Dear
Harvey007:
I feel your pain. And you are not alone. I know lots of other
people feel the same way. I, myself, have counted my own passwords and, apparently, I have a list of 43 passwords and usernames
for different accounts, online groups, voice mail , etc. Has any university done a study counting the total hours and minutes
a day the average person spends reciting or typing out numbers? This would have to include the time spent answering demeaning
"secret questions" - all in the name of privacy and security.
It makes me nostaglic for the time when
the "secret word" was something only Groucho knew and if you said it, a duck would drop down and an orchestra would
play, and you'd get to answer another question. But life is not a game show.
And you're right Harvey, it
is a bit like a spy movie. Do most normal people need this kind of protection and espionage that these companies insist on?
Or do we need protection from the companies themselves? Years ago when I first experienced "voice mail" and it's
retrieval routine for messages, it always amazed me. I wondered if this was originally designed for criminals and politicians.
Who has this many secrets?
Well, now we all do - all passwords. My cable company, in an effort to maintain security,
requires - for my privacy and protection - that I give my social security number to any operator on each and every call. And
this isn't a bank, this is just entertainment. But it's all in the name of privacy and security - for my protection,
you know, for security purposes.
Well, since crime and fraud have became a national past-time, I dare someone to
show me one corporation, especially a major one, say, like a bank or utility, that doesn't take advantage of it's
customers.
They have developed a complex, specialized, abusive "bag of tricks" of bullying, manipulating
us through a series of non-negotiable surprise policies, hidden fees and charges. And all this comes as we are a captive audience,
worn down and brought to our knees, robbed of our dignity, spirit and free will (and not to mention money).
Their
secret weapon? The Queen Mother of all stun gun tactics - putting us on hold for obscene amounts of time. "On hold"
is the ultimate holdup. Needless to say they always win because we can't live without our electricity or phones. All of
this amounts to a sort of legalized highway robbery, an activity that used to be known as stealing.
Will we one
day need a background check to order a pizza? That's not a background check for those delivering to your home, but a background
check for you.
Why can't we just memorize one password and use the same one all the time? Because different
companies or organizations request different kinds of passwords, some with numbers, some not.
Sometimes your password
is already taken. So all the myriad of passwords are somewhat of a necessary evil. Because, even if you could use the same
password in every situation, it could ultimately be dangerous. -sigh - Gosh, I long for the days when identity theft
was something we only feared from our parents.
Possibly some time in the future when we get married, we will be
given a user name and password at the alter and find ourselves coming home from work and greeting our spouse with a kiss on
the back of the neck and our password. "Hi Honey, I'm home, 4434wowiezowiepoopsiesnarg." Or possibly, when slipping
into bed with our loved one, we would say, "Hello Sweetie, it's me,
snipsnoppovertherainbowseveneightninetendo6869gasbaggasbagbippityboppityboo."
Well, it's a fact that the brain can only hold so much information.
My question is, if we are
so busy occupying our memory with so many numbers and codes, and new technology - no doubt a contributor to people's ever
climbing irritability, the increase in drive-by shootings and the rising divorce rate - will we also begin to lose brain space
for the really important values? Will there still be room for concern for other people or will we lose some humanity? Are
we in jeopardy of putting things before people? Things can be replaced, people can't. Let's hope we don't one
day find the cat jumping out of the rinse cycle and the laundry outside for the night. "Where did we leave Grandpa?"
Anyway, good luck to you Harvey. Ya know, I have to pay my electric bill tomorrow. I hope they let me.
Zoe Miracle is a comedy writer in Hollywood, Calif. Zoe also hosts the Internet radio broadcast "The
Naked Truth" at http://blacksheepalleyradio.podomatic.com/. Her opinions are her own and not necessarily those of The Signal.
As soon as the August 2000 issue of our newsletter is complete,
it will be added to this section here. Each month the newsletter will include latest news, interesting facts, upcoming events,
and member names. We are always looking
for new ideas and topics for the monthly newsletter. If you  have an idea or would be interested in writing an article, please let us know.
Good
Old Horse Sense By Zoe Miracle - Dear Zoe,
I'm
writing because of your recent letter that compared men to dogs. I don't know that my husband is like a dog, but he has
one trait that's more like a horse. It's the way he sneezes - and I'm just afraid the minute I tell him, the "honeymoon"
will be over. Do you have advice for the recipe for a happy couple? Do you actually know any really happy couples? Thank you.
Godiva Dear Godiva, Do I know any happy couples? Actually, not since my parents.
My mother, who was an ex-school teacher, continued lecturing long after her retirement - mostly in the living room, the kitchen,
the bedroom, the bathroom, the car and, especially, at the dinner table. However, what a coincidence about the horse thing.
My mother also compared men to horses. Mom was born in 1920, so you can call her old fashioned if you
want to. Her constant opinions, and antiquated sayings, were a delightful and yet double edged sword. The point is that my
parents were blessed with a 65-year marriage. When Mom was asked by women what was the secret of her marital success, she
was always happy to help. She would stop and say "Men are stupid. Men are like horses and they need to be led. They don't
know what they want, so it is up to us to show them." The women would then sit down, and settle in to really listen.
Mom would continue. Yes, men, like horses, are these big strong and yet dumb animals that are sensitive and
more fragile than they look. They are easily spooked. They don't like high pitched noises, screaming voices, or sudden
movements. They are liable to lift their tails at any moment and do something rude. But they are so beautiful they are worth
all the trouble. They have a tremendous sense of pride, they never forget a hurt. But if you speak softly around them and
pet their soft muzzles, they can be the best ride you ever had. You could, by the way, also
call her an equestrian of sorts; possibly the first horse/man whisperer. Was she gifted or did she know some secret? Or was
there some horse-sense to her madness? Mother was often heard to say "Playing with egos in a relationship
is nothing to horse around about. You can fight and be right and you can be alone, too - but, whether you are married to a
rare Arabian, Trigger or Mr. Ed, how you make each other feel is most important." She said you must learn to trust and
compromise. Try to put your spouse before yourself. (Are we too independent today for this one?) She would tell my sister
and her husband or any young couple "Treat each other like king and queen. Make each other feel important." She said never
go to bed mad. Don't fight dirty. Don't humiliate or take away someone's dignity. And continue to allow your mate
to feel special, and appreciated. That's a huge basis for love, and romance, and when that is snatched away, it is a betrayal
that compromises trust beyond repair. Today we call it bad boundaries - Mom called it respect. But when you can't stand
to hurt someone or see that someone hurt, you know you love them. When what hurts them, hurts you, too, then their tears are
yours. Mom could also wing a high heeled shoe from any distance and never miss. An exception
to the rule are married couples who can insult each other and still remain close. They have a "black belt in marriage."
For this you have to be married at least 20 years (or reside in New York). Personally, I think people were
different in her day, and people knew how to "honor" a contract. Fidelity wasn't just something found in a bank.
I also think my mom was born under a very lucky star. I won't say my dad never lost his temper, but he
knew how to practice unconditional love. I remember one occasion when my Mother yelled at us and passed gas at the same time.
While my mom was mortified, my dad put an arm around her and said "Isn't she wonderful?" He would also say "Mother
is my queen and I'm the king because she lets me be." That's lucky. In answer
to the other part of your question, Godiva, go buy some tissues and place them around the house - and get out of the way when
your husband sneezes. By the way, my parents' marriage continued through the years, and they did treat each other like a king
and queen, and when they were at like year 50-something, Dad suffered a stroke. Mom allowed no outside help, she grew strong
and cared for him day and night alone - until, eventually, he recovered and things went almost back to normal. Then one day
I noticed that Mom and Dad appeared to have switched roles. Amazingly, my mother seemed more
like the king - controlling the entire household, the finances and waiting on Dad like he was the queen. I said "Mom,
when did you get to be King? You've got control of the remote and everything?" She answered, "A long marriage
is like being in a road show - if you stick with it long enough you get to play all the parts." Well, enough
about me. I'm Zoe Miracle. Feel free to contact me.
|
